We'll just call this...Beginning of the End

No more lies,

No more lies

No more lies

That is the scream of someone, bound to the secrets contained within

Living each day with fear that someone will uncover the truth 

A continued state of looking over the shoulder

Worrying about the whispers of those who sit across from, next to and behind 

Can they see it? Can they smell it?

Do they know where you've been and what you've done?

...You see, we know that the sins of our past have a way of catching up with us.  Or we've been told and we've seen that what is hidden must be revealed...."what's done in the dark, must come to the light". Truthfully, we never get away with anything. There is always a season of being caught or when enough becomes enough, thus your own conscience TELLING and revealing to some one you deem trustworthy to involve. 

The worst part about secrets is that we put a wall up between us and God. He knows all things, sees all things, and gives us room enough to act out those things that WE desire. We want Him in our lives when its convenient...yep that was me. I needed Him at my disposal to move on my behalf, to protect me, to shield me, to remove me, to cover me....I NEEDED and longed for his presence and help....yet after it was received, shortly thereafter, I turned my back... 

... We often set ourselves up to do things out of obligation and routine rather than a place of purity (pure motives). We want to still do our own thing behind closed doors, yet desire to be elevated in public. Life lesson: you will only go but so far walking the line - one foot in, one foot out. 

...this woman, was in between two worlds....

.....to be continued... 

Mixed Emotions....on the Outside

(Writing to release some feelings...some may understand, some may not, and it's okay...this is me being me...) INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

Why is standing on your own two feet difficult? It's like you always need someone there to help you, to talk to you, to encourage you, to hold your arms up, to push you forward, to provide a shoulder to cry on. Depending so heavily on the earthly relationships that when someone walks away or when they aren't available, we break or we crumble. Our self-esteem, our existence, everything of who we are is wrapped and tangled in that person/relationship. Out of order, yet a cycle that has been hard to break. So many brief moments of liberation when standing alone seemed like a very doable reality. Train of thought all over the place leading to rivers of tears. What is that? There are times when it's a joy and pleasure to just be; then there are times when its filled with pain and frustration. What's even worse is when you are in a room of people and you are a thousand miles away. Plastered smiles, phony laughs, brief moments of pleasure and dying on the inside. Trying to fight to be normal out of fear that no one will understand the cycles, the swings, the moods. Life has got to get better than this...normalcy is a must! Funny, what is normal? Oh well...#theend for now.


This song expresses the feeling this evening....


It's hard to explain
Inherently it's just always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no one completely the same
Standing alone
Eager to just
Believe it's good enough to be what
You really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the
Outside
Early on, you face
The realization you don't
have a space
Where you fit in
And recognize you
Were born to exist
Irreversibly
Falling in between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are
Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try-try and try
To tell yourself
You really are
But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside


~ Mariah Carey

Let Me Introduce Gerard Bonner....(and receive this word)....

There are so many great things I can say about this man; however, I will be brief w/ this intro so that we can get to the POINT of this note...


Gerard Bonner, bringing his own unique style and flawless programming, mixed with a daily word and challenging life points, is changing the face of radio (internet radio). He began Bonnerfide Radio in September of 2009 and is now a Stellar Award nominated, international brand. When I tell you, this is no ordinary radio program; he brings the BEST music PERIOD! Spanning from gospel hip-hop (or whatever you would like to dub it - Flame, Da Truth), urban gospel (Marvin Sapp, JJ Hairston, Myron Butler), contemporary Christian (Kari Jobe, Kelly Clinger, Hillsong United), to our R & B favs (Ledisi, Michael Jackson, Earth Wind & Fire), his playlist is ridiculously wonderful. If you request it, more than likely he has it or will get it. Trust me, you will have an experience that shifts you between a full-blown praise party to complete and utter worship. One thing I can say about Gerard is that he clearly seeks and expects to hear from God and it is evident in the daily flow of his programming.






Below is a Word that he spoke via twitter this evening: "You will never FULLY live until you do what you love and love what you do. Turn off the volume of those that say you can't do what you love & make a living from it. That is God's design for your life. Don't be discouraged if living your dream doesn't initially turn a profit either. The reward comes to those who endure. Many people start but the ones that push through the obstacles will watch their dream feed and fuel others. So be bold. Take courage. Do what God's placed on your heart. There will be sacrifices but they don't compare to the rewards. It is your enemy that will work to dissuade you from fulfilling your purpose. It's not always behind a pulpit. Some of you are supposed to employ others and create a brand that will make an indelible imprint on the world. Stop comparing yourself to others when your destiny is to YOU!! Do what you must and launch out. We don't need another copycat. The original plan in YOUR heart is what the world is waiting for. Don't deny creation. God's promises are true before, during, and after this economic climate. If you apply them, they will work. Last thing: Maybe the reason there's unrest at your job is to position you to become an owner. Just a thought. Your life was never meant to be conventional. That's why this season seems so crazy. Stop resisting what God's doing in you. If you can hold on, what God's birthing from this season will sustain you for the rest of your days. That's why the fight is so great. But hold on friends. You are closer to tapping in to the thing that will change your life. Don't quite. Follow your heart. Some of the things that are household brands to you right now were birthed out of courage & necessity. What is courage birthing in you? The world needs what is locked inside of you. Don't let your fear abort your promise. The iPad, iPod, iPhone, and everything Apple was birthed from courage. What if you hold THE next brand in your heart?"http://www.getbonnerfide.com ---- Monday - Friday, 9am - 1pm


(you can check out the podcast via iTunes - search Bonnerfide Radio)
http://www.twitter.com/bonnerfide

You Matter

YOU DO MATTER! Those three words are all that I keep hearing at this point. It's weird because today I'm celebrating with one of my friends (my SISTA) daughters (my NIECE) 14th birthday. The love that a mother has for their child, the bond that is shared, is unlike any other relationship. The Bible instructs us to honor thy mother and thy father so that thy days may be long on the earth. Sitting in the car on the way home from church and I began to reflect on the relationship that I have with my mother and my father. When did that special bond change to the point where we are at now? When did I, as their child, stop mattering to them. The void felt from not having them present, concerned, and INVOLVED in my life (yes they are both alive), has been something that has been filled by temporary pleasures and inappropriate/mishandled relationships. Kelly Price sings..."I need a healing for my soul...". Lord I need a healing! So many tears have been shed because things are just NOT the perfect picture I see or imagine what a family should be. Attempts to change it constantly and parts of me are TIRED of trying.

Still Believing

Okay God! As I look around, there are just so many things going on at one time. Why???? Ultimately I know you have it all in control, yet the question remains. Making a serious decision to "seek peace and pursue it" even in the midst of things being placed as stumbling blocks and obstacles before you. An examination of sorts...you know those little tests to see if you mean the very words that you speak and to see how far you have come since making your declaration. Home environment, could definitely be better and God you know that I am trying with the very breath in my body. Yet it is difficult, almost appears unattainable at this time. Having the knowledge that both my grandparents are under doctor’s care...just another thing weighing my "thoughts". Not double-minded in the least, concerned but trusting. I'm standing in faith on behalf of my grandparents, believing for healing to be manifested in their bodies. Holding onto the very word that is spoken from this mouth, these hands, into others who have contacted me and said that their loved one or friend is ill and in need of prayer. I thank God for the ministry of Stephen Parson, Sr., where I received the word of faith message and the healing ministry of Rev. Gwendolyn Young. Even when you think you have forgotten, those words, those scriptures, those messages, those testimonies - all come alive during times like these.

If it's in you, it will come out!

When you are interceding on behalf of others, your personal cares seem not to matter as much. Putting the cares of others before your very own, causes God to move on your behalf anyway. It's funny because at the beginning of this writing, my mind was in several other places; God has a way of putting things in perspective. Two songs that I play during my own personal devotions - Kevin Levar and One Sound - Atmosphere of Faith and Eddie James - I Am. Both songs are reminders to me that God can move, that he is capable, that he is willing, that he has the power to do whatever I believe...IN FAITH. 

Why don't we believe and take him at his word that he will move and do the very thing that is promised in his word is beyond my comprehension. Kevin Levar ends Atmosphere of Faith with the "no matter what the problem is, it's never too late, if you have the faith, no matter what the situation, I know that it’s going to work out, so don't doubt". We counteract the hand of God from moving on our behalf when we operate in fear and doubt. FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real. Now the doctor’s reports may be a very real thing, but it isn't law. God's word is the final authority on all things. If His word says we can be healed, then by all means, we shall and can be healed.

Through the tears, through the frustration, through the moments of doubt, through the moments of self-pity...I choose to believe God. He has a plan, and I trust him that all things will work out for our good. 

Renew Me (A Repost)

Renew - 1: to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection regenerate 3 a: to restore to existence : revive b: to make extensive changes in : rebuild 4: to do again : repeat5 : to begin again : resume 6: replace, replenish 7 a: to grant or obtain an extension of or on b: to grant or obtain an extension on the loan of intransitive verb1: to become new or as new2: to begin again : resume3: to make a renewal (as of a lease)

God I want to begin again! Renew me! Restore me! Transform me! Create in me a clean heart o God! Remake me! I'm tired of the way that I am and doing things the way that I want them to be done. The roads that I have chosen have only led to heartache, disappointment, resentment, and regret. God at this point, at this stage in my life, I'm broken before you and I'm praying for guidance as i continue down this path! Only with you is there peace contentment and the right path! The weight of my problems and situations is all too much to bear, and I know that I don't have to bear them alone! I want to be the woman that you originally designed, without all the mess and confusion. I'm discombobulated before you and I want to be RIGHT before you! I need you now more than anything in this world. I can't do it any longer! "Don't cast me away from your presence, renew a right spirit within me. For my heart is broken before you, I bow down before you in worship". God I'm longing for you! My heart cries out for you, My God, My King. Show me the way! In all I do I want to please you!

...Season of Preparation??? I Guess.

When does the grieving process begin? When does the grieving process end? Receiving some not so good news definitely causes you to think about life and how precious it is. I always imagined that my grandparents would be around FOREVER! I always knew that someday reality would sink in and that they would not be here, yet I'm not prepared or ready to face that reality!

My grandmother and me .... Champagne @ an early age LOL

My grandmother and grandfather - April 2009 (his 87th birthday celebration)

When you talk about weaknesses, this is my weakness. Separation - I don't do well. God prepare me now! OMG! I already cry at everything under the sun, but the thought that someone I care about is in pain and there is nothing that I can do about it, ugh, bothers me! My grandmother is the heartbeat of my family, well my dad's side of the family. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that if I ever needed anything, she would be RIGHT there. Now there are some things that I regret -- like not spending more time with her when I could have, but I'm certainly making sure I do it now and that's what counts. As much as I would rather reflect and remember the positives, the laughs, her in a healthy state, I have to be supportive to her now in her moment of weakness and not be selfish (although it is really frightening and scary that some day she won't be here).

It gives me joy that she has been one to always acknowledge my belief and relationship with Christ. No matter what decision I've made, she has been there, encouraging me to make it work. Even in college when I wanted to join a certain sorority, she said, "Felicia, there are only two sororities out there --- Alpha Kappa Alpha and Delta Sigma Theta, choose one!" LOL! Hilarious! She is not a member of any organization but somehow she is well connected and well-loved. Not a member of either at this time...however, maybe one day I shall (SMILE). Right now, Delta Psi Epsilon Christian Sorority keeps me busy. Anyway, my grandmother has been the one to consistently ask me what I'm doing with this weight I carry. Felicia, what are you doing to lose this weight....every conversation! Geez, grandma! LOL! So for you...I WILL get it together. Soooooo many wonderful memories and I guess I'll reflect on those to keep my spirits up during this time.

I started off writing this w/ tears, yet God is wiping away the tears and putting them in a jar. I really thank God for the life that she has led and although we are praying and she is fighting for her life right now, I'm confident that God is well pleased with the life that she has led. She has taken care of her husband, her children, her grandchildren, and her great grand-child. She is simply amazing and I celebrate her life.