Mixed Emotions....on the Outside

(Writing to release some feelings...some may understand, some may not, and it's okay...this is me being me...) INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

Why is standing on your own two feet difficult? It's like you always need someone there to help you, to talk to you, to encourage you, to hold your arms up, to push you forward, to provide a shoulder to cry on. Depending so heavily on the earthly relationships that when someone walks away or when they aren't available, we break or we crumble. Our self-esteem, our existence, everything of who we are is wrapped and tangled in that person/relationship. Out of order, yet a cycle that has been hard to break. So many brief moments of liberation when standing alone seemed like a very doable reality. Train of thought all over the place leading to rivers of tears. What is that? There are times when it's a joy and pleasure to just be; then there are times when its filled with pain and frustration. What's even worse is when you are in a room of people and you are a thousand miles away. Plastered smiles, phony laughs, brief moments of pleasure and dying on the inside. Trying to fight to be normal out of fear that no one will understand the cycles, the swings, the moods. Life has got to get better than this...normalcy is a must! Funny, what is normal? Oh well...#theend for now.


This song expresses the feeling this evening....


It's hard to explain
Inherently it's just always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous
Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there's no one completely the same
Standing alone
Eager to just
Believe it's good enough to be what
You really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the
Outside
Early on, you face
The realization you don't
have a space
Where you fit in
And recognize you
Were born to exist
Irreversibly
Falling in between
And it's hard
And it's hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are
Oh, and God knows
That you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try-try and try
To tell yourself
You really are
But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be
Somewhere on the outside


~ Mariah Carey